Thoughts of a Sprite

Sunday, August 15, 2004

New York here I come!

I am finally getting away from it all. I need to get away, I need to give Mom some time to let it all sink in. She took it way too personally. She asked me "why are you doing this to me?" like I was trying to hurt her... not that I was just taking a step in my life, and how about how I feel?

I told her a year ago that I was thinking of moving, and that if things didn't change that I was going. I wanted to help her, I tried to help her. I tried everything, talking about it, not talkign about it, yelling about it, crying about it. Nothing helps. I don't understand. What is so wrong with our lives that she has to be drunk all the time? I can understand not wanting to deal with the past, but it is time to get over it. Her past was self inflicted, I didn't ask to be born... I didn't ask for them to be my parents. Now that we have been given a second chance at being a family, all she cares about is seeing the bottom of her glass.

I have lived here four years. That is four years longer than we had. Now we have a good realtionship, and I love my mom. I am going to be 25 this year, I am ready to spread my wings. Instead of helping me, she is going to shut me out and this hurts. She compared me to my father, in that I am abandoning her just like he abadoned us. I am moving like 27 miles away. I am not shutting her out of my life, I want her to help make these decisions, I want help picking out curtians, and bathroom stuff, and I know this is not going to happen...

(indulge me for a second) I see how my cousins family is reacting. (we are romming together) I wish my family was as good as his. His fathers response, well we have five trucks, and plenty of hands... I know his mom will help... how cool is that. A family that functions, a father, a mother, brothers.... Support in lifes choices.

Why is it that life is so hard? My road seems to pretty bumpy, with rocks, huge hills, pot holes, and Charlie left a huge ditch... I think I might need to build a bridge to get across it.

My head hurts from thinking about it. And then she has the audacity to tell me I can't take MY dog... because she loves him... MY dog, what the hell is that. Then she says what if I quit drinking and start smoking out side, I said it would have to be done now, I can't wait till January one to get an apartment. That is four and ahalf months... I don't see it happening. She tells me that she is going to do it, but not today. She was shit faced tonight, and passed out so cold she hasn't stirred in hours. I gave her an excuse to use no moderation basically. Everything is an excuse to drink. She never feels good anynmore, so she never does anything in the house, she is always just sleeping on the couch, or drinking in her chair. She said she was going to finish the beer she has, and quit when that is gone. Why pur off to tomorrow what you can do today. I quit smoking with three packs of cigarettes in the refridgerator... anything is possible when you set your mind to it. She won't quit until she is ready to quit, and there is nothing that I can say or do that is going to change this. I have come to accept it.

I have made up my mind that I am moving, it is the next chapter of my book, and that is that. I talked to my grandparents and they approve, they want me to stay in Williston, but they understand why I am moving. I don't see us staying in Williston. Mom tried to say that Mema told her and that she doesn't want me moving. Mema told me that she wouldn't stay. SO I think she was just stabbing in the dark.

I am looking forward to Kayaking, being on the water, away from it all will make it all better. I am not trying to burry my head in the sand, but a vacation from life would be nice. I can't wait. I am also looking forward to church tomorrow, I need a spiritual cleansing too! I think He has the power to ease it off. I have asked Him to make her better, to giver her the strength through Him to quit... I have prayed on it... but I guess He has His own plan. I have got to get going now, got a little packing that still needs to be done, and I need to check some things on PA before I go.

TTFN I will take plenty of pictures and have lots of good stuff to post when I get back...

shes_a_sprite @ 12:06 AM.

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